Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Strangest And Weirdest Things

Needing a break from bashing the very strange campaign for President of Sarah Palin (and John McCain of course), I thought I'd try to make a few people laugh with some of the even stranger goings on that have happened around the country recently. Believing that it would take forever to compile a list of truly magnificent idiocy, I was surprised at just how many truly weird people and events happen nearly every day. Only in America.

First, there's the case of the Piggy Bank Burglar of Wilson, Wisconsin. Apparently desperate for some spare change, he broke into a home and emptied twenty dollars in change from the piggy bank of a sleeping two year old girl. Busted by the mother of the child, he ran off, only to get caught by DNA evidence he left behind in the form of blood after he cut himself on a window screen gaining entry to the house. Sentenced to six years in prison due to a lengthy criminal record, America's piggy banks are safe for at least the next few years. Too bad we can't say the same about our Treasury.

Knoxville police received an hilarious 911 call from a would be museum burglar who jammed himself into the ventilation shaft attempting to get into the museum. When rescue personnel extracted the witless wonder, he told police that he wasn't trying to steal anything, he was actually on a mission to defuse a bomb that had been placed inside the museum.

I think God may have frowned down upon the wheelchair bound man who, along with his brother in law, were on their way to church in Cedar City, Utah. An argument broke out between the men on the way to worship, and the man in the wheelchair just lost it. He pulled a ball point pen from his pocket and proceeded to stab his brother in law in the face. While he was driving.

A free living 40 year old man in Tallahassee, Florida got the shock of his life when he discovered that police don't appreciate residents walking their dog in the nude. When approached by officers, the man reportedly said that Allah had told him to watch a Bruce Willis movie and then walk his dog naked. faster than you can say "Don't tase me bro", the naked man was zapped and is now resting quietly at the local mental health facility.

Maybe there's something in the water down in Florida, but a woman with her three kids in the car with her suddenly turned to her children and asked them if they thought they had enough faith to keep an approaching bicycle rider from being run over. When the children didn't answer, the woman ran the poor bicyclist down. She then stopped her SUV, stripped off all her clothes, ran around the crime scene ranting and raving, stole another car that had stopped to help, and promptly drove the car into a ditch. Police say she appeared to be under the influence of some type of drug. Good deduction Sherlock.

In what can only be described as the beginning of the second civil war, the town of Fraiser, Colorado is suing International Falls, Minnesota over which city should be called 'America's Icebox'. An earlier lawsuit resulted in the town of International Falls paying Fraiser the sum of $2,000 in order to trademark the name. When the trademark renewal time came and passed, Fraiser sued again. International Falls claims they will never back down this time, with residents saying that it's bad enough they have to live in the frozen God forsaken place and that the least they can get out of it is a recognizable trademarked name. (Just give Fraiser the extortion money already!)

In the University of Texas' Jester Hall (Really! That's the name!), 26 teen aged cheerleaders had to be extracted from an elevator that broke down. Taking 25 minutes to get the doors open, one fainted and two others had to be treated for shock at the scene. Apparently cheerleaders in Texas can not read the elevator signs that warn in big red letters " No More Than 15 People May Enter This Elevator At A Time".

In little Valentine, Nebraska, one man is attempting to make the town live up to it's name. Spreading Vaseline or baby oil on his bare buttocks and groin area, the sneaky streaker presses his well oiled parts against storefront and church windows in order to, ahh, leave his mark so to say. Obviously not a total nut case, the man stops his activities during the winter months, but is right back at it as soon as the weather warms up. (Are you telling me that in a town the size of Valentine, no one notices some greased up naked guy running around at night?)

A Correyville Ohio woman has been charged with aggravated assault for trying to force a peanut into the mouth of a neighbor she was having a dispute with. Before trying to force the peanut into the other woman's mouth, she allegedly threw a handful of peanuts at her neighbor who claims to be allergic to the nuts. ( Police Officer Skippy was over in a jiffy, explaining that the woman's husband, Mr. Planters, was having an affair with the neighbor, Mrs. Nutella. Both are said to belong to a group trying to draft Jimmy Carter for President.)

In Seattle, a man will be spending the next 12 years asking himself what he was thinking when he lured his blindfolded wife into their garage, telling her he had turned it into a haunted house. Once inside, she allowed her husband to handcuff her, thinking it to be a part of the charade, then walked up the steps of a ladder. Hubby then took a prepared noose and slipped it around wifey's neck and pushed. After she lost consciousness, he released her, feeling remorse he claims, and begged her not to call the cops. He told her that after a year and a half of marriage, he felt trapped, and figured this idea was better than a divorce. Not buying it, the woman called police, but my question would be: Woman, have YOU been to see a shrink?

And finally we turn our attention back to the economy. President Bush's recent 'stimulus' package of rebate checks had a very unusual consequence. So many people spent their rebate checks on pornographic web site memberships that the Adult Internet Market Research Company says they saw an immediate 20-30% increase of adult pay site membership increases right after the stimulus checks went out. I guess many curiosity seekers don't realize there are about 10 million free porn sites on the web.

So that's the state of America today. People literally losing their minds, some having fun at the expense of others, and others just, well, I don't know what the hell they're doing, but I imagine they must derive some sort of pleasure from it. As for me, I have to go now. I just saw an article about having sex with a squid, and I'm, um, er, going to do some research, yeah, that's it, research on the subject and get back to you. Have fun today.

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