Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Ridiculous Bid To Become Premier Of The North American Union

In order to justify the continued lunacy of the candidacy of John McCain, the talking points of the Republican Party, and Sarah Palin as the choice for Vice-President, I have had to suspend all the rules of reality and when I did so, I realized that I too could be the leader of something big.

Since the general consensus seems to be that we are moving towards an inevitable North American Union consisting of Mexico, Canada, and the United States, I thought I'd apply for the newly formed Premiership of this new nation, and as my running mate, I choose corporate icon Ronald McDonald.

Now, before you go running for the little white coat and tin foil hat, you have to admit that what I propose is no more ridiculous than say, giving taxpayer money to a bunch of bottomless pit pig corporations. (Just kidding Corporate America! But I need the little man's vote!)

You see, since I have traveled fairly extensively over the course of my lifetime, I know the subtle differences of how people think in different areas of the country. Knowing those differences will give me an exclusive insight as to how best bring all factions to the table and get things done. It's very difficult to get a Seattle liberal to sit at the table with an Alabama redneck, (Can I say redneck? Shoot. I don't care.), but with plenty of Starbucks and fried 'gator, I'm sure the differences will just magically melt away.

Especially when people from both coasts, as well as those in the Heartland, understand that we are all a part of a brand new country called The North American Union, and as such, we must include those from Mexico and Canada as those who call themselves Namericans.

Now, if you're worrying about what sort of experience I would bring to the table, look at where I live and you'll see a virtual buffet of things that I have knowledge about. Living in Nebraska, surrounded by miles and miles of corn gives me the experience of not only knowing how to shuck a cob faster than you can blink, but since we use a lot of that corn to make ethanol, I have a keen insight into the workings of the energy industry. Not only that, but since corn is used to feed cattle,chicken, pigs, and make corn syrup, (which is used in virtually everything nowadays), I also know how to keep the food supply of our newly formed nation safe, produce it in greater quantities, and put something in every pot. (Or is it the other way around? Hmm.)

Having traveled to both Canada and Mexico several times, I have foreign policy experience. Being stuck directly in the middle of the current United States, I can't see either about to be assimilated countries from my house, not even with a telescope, (I know because I tried), but I have successfully navigated a drive from San Diego to Tampico, ordered native Mexican dishes without speaking a word of Spanish, hit a pinata', eaten the worm at the bottom of the bottle, and have set Vancouver and Ottowa alight by hitting many of their well known watering holes.

I've even been to Anchorage, and so understand fully the need to keep Vladmir Putin from rearing his KGB head over our airspace, you know, when he comes to visit us and he goes to where? That's right. Alaska. I'll put my foot up his Russian backside and set the world afire if need be to keep capitalism safe for the even bigger corporate conglomerates sure to arise from this merger between nations. (Don't worry Corporate America. I'll build enough bomb shelters to keep the rich safe from the fallout.)

Unlike some other people who think they're so smart, I'll go to Spain and visit with what's his name. I know Spain is our ally, and am even willing to forget having to revolt against them because of their stupid tea party. Or was that some other country that had a tea party to revolt against a government that no longer represented them? I can't remember, but you get the general idea. I'm willing to at least talk to our potential adversaries like what I call 'The Three F's'. You know, France, Finland, and the Falklands. I won't give away the store, but I'm willing to make concessions to remain friends with these rogue state sponsors of terrorism.

Since I've solved the oil crisis by producing more ethanol, I figure we'd better turn our attention to the problem of water supplies. With global warming on the rise and droughts springing in the southern parts of our new Union, invading Greenland would appear to be our only viable option. Knowing that the leaders of that country are actively seeking to deny the world drinking water by purposefully melting all the ice in their country, we would be derelict in our role as world leader if we didn't stop that from happening. Plus, it would create jobs by starting an industry for bottled glacier water! So I can run the economy too!

To help offset the current trade imbalance with countries like China, I've come up with a plan to save on shipping costs. We're going to have all of the products we import from there shipped directly to the WEST coast. It's a lot shorter distance than having to all the way across Europe and the Atlantic, and any shipping costs across the country will be offset by the jobs created in the train and trucking industries.

One of the first acts of my new administration will be to send my Vice-Premier to spread the love that clowns have with their hamburglars all over the world. What Head of State could recent the combination of a funny little clown who makes them laugh while feeding them at the same time. You've got to admit, my friends, it's a brilliant strategy to reassure the world that the North American Union is their friend. (For now.)

My second act to jump start the economy would be to reverse the 800 billion Ameros shoveled by the bucket full to Wall Street, and give it away to all Namericans as a stimulus package. But this time, Namericans can not spend their rebate on porn site memberships like 30% of you did last time around. You may, however, spend it on actual DVD's that deal with whatever subject matter you like. See? We'll have lots of freedom.

Well, except that we will not tolerate protests against the government or the Corporate World. Anyone caught protesting either of those will be tasered on the spot, no questions asked. It's only reasonable after the Utopian leadership I'm going to give you. Other than that, the right can protest against the left and vice-versa. You can also protest against things beyond the government's control, like the sun rising in the east or something along those lines.

And if you are having reservations about my choice of running mate and what experience he has to be Vice-Premier, give it a rest. This guy has restaurants in almost every country in the world, for God's sake! How much more experience do you want in a national leader?

So that's it. That's my proposal to elect me Premier of the North American Union. I know that the issues I've addressed are going to take some time to absorb properly, so you've got one month to decide if my Mickey Mouse campaign has a shot at success. If you've got any other questions, you can always address them to my campaign spokesman, W.C. Fields. Now, all this thinking has worn me out, so I'm going to take a vacation (which I'll be doing a lot of during my reign as Premier) to Las Vegas, have a few Manhattans, throw a little dice and possibly even get some of that 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' whatchamacallit. I'll expect to see you all at the polls come November, doing the right thing, being patriotic, and well, all the rest of that stuff.

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